Love Is a Decision
Love Is a Decision
When I was a kid, my mom used to play marriage seminar videos around the house while she worked — just background noise while she folded laundry or made dinner. I wasn't trying to listen, but one line from an old Gary Smalley VHS tape burned itself into my memory: "Love is a decision."
I didn't understand it then. I do now, almost twenty years into my own marriage.
Here's what I mean. Attraction starts in the emotional side of things, and it should. Being captivated by her smile or drawn to his kindness — that spark is a real and good part of how relationships begin. But if you build your whole marriage on the assumption that those feelings will always be there, you're building on sand. Feelings shift. Seasons change. There will be a stretch in your marriage — maybe more than one — where the butterflies are gone and the passion has cooled. And it's in exactly that moment that the decision to love is what carries you through.
I'm not saying this from theory. Katie and I have been married for almost twenty years now, and I can tell you honestly: marriage has gotten richer with time, not because the feelings never dipped, but because we kept choosing each other through the dips. Like a fine wine, it's actually gotten better with age. The vintage of a relationship only improves the longer you let it sit in commitment.
This is where trusting God's Word actually matters in a really practical way. The world will tell you that your happiness is the only thing worth protecting in a relationship — that if your spouse stops making you happy, it's time to move on and find someone who will. But God's Word never gives us that off-ramp. There's no biblical case for walking away from a marriage simply because the happiness dipped for a season. Instead, Scripture calls us to consider our spouse's needs above our own — and that's a hard, countercultural word in a culture built around self. But it's also the word that actually produces the kind of marriage worth having.
Love Moves Beyond Words
It's easy to let love live in words alone — "I love you" said out of habit on the way out the door. And words matter; learning to actually say what you feel is worth the effort, especially if it doesn't come naturally to you. But Scripture is clear that love can't stop at words:
"Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in action and in truth." — 1 John 3:18 (Amplified Bible)
Love that's real moves into practice. It shows up in what you do, not just what you say.
Three Ways to Put Love Into Action
1. Plan to spend time together.
You've probably heard it said that love is spelled T-I-M-E. There's a lot of truth in that. Be intentional about protecting time together — a weekly date night if you can swing it, or just consistent, guarded moments if you can't. One picture that's stuck with me: don't give your spouse your leftovers. I used to pour all my best energy into work and everyone else, and come home with nothing left for Katie and the kids. It took a bold, loving confrontation from my wife to remind me to keep the main thing the main thing.
2. Find out what the other person actually enjoys.
Love isn't self-focused. Find out your spouse's favorite things — food, activities, music, movies — and be willing to choose what lights them up, not just what's easy for you. I love seeing a movie in the theater; Katie usually falls asleep in them. So I don't push it. But she knows it's my thing, so every so often she'll rally and come anyway — usually for the animated ones our kids love too.
3. Celebrate each other.
Don't become the couple that quietly stops marking birthdays and anniversaries. Keep celebrating, all the way to your last breath. Zig Ziglar used to joke that anniversaries are boring, so he and his wife just kept having honeymoons instead. There's something to that — when you keep honoring and celebrating your spouse, your love, passion, and commitment keep growing right along with it.
Where to Start
You don't need to overhaul your whole marriage this week. Pick one of the three: block out one evening for just the two of you, ask your spouse what they'd actually enjoy doing together, or mark the next birthday or anniversary with real intention instead of letting it slide by. Love as a decision isn't one big dramatic choice — it's a hundred small ones, repeated, over years you don't get back. Start with one this week.
If this resonated with you, this is one piece of a bigger conversation on protecting your marriage that I get into in Safeguard — practical, biblical safeguards for building a marriage that lasts. You can find it here: Safeguard: 12 Marriage Safeguards for a Passionate, Lasting Marriage.
You can also find more resources like this inside the Following Jesus app, built to help you grow in whatever season you're in.
